My Benny is 5 weeks old.
It's been a tough few weeks.
On top of a tough pregnancy.
I don't mean to complain.
I know how lucky I am.
But boy... am I tired.
Having two babies under 20 months is not for the faint of heart.
In no particular order... my list of what's causing my tears, all day, everyday.
1. Breastfeeding pain. OW. I nursed Layla for 11 1/2 months... I remember it being painful for the first few (7-8) weeks but I thought by now I'd have some relief. Not so much. I've debated calling a lactation consultant but I don't know if it will help. His latch appears to be perfect and I think I'm just a huge baby with a low pain threshold. Or something.
2. Layla's early wake up. Three days in a row. She usually sleeps until 7/7:30 AM. We've gone from 6:30 AM to 6:15 AM to 6:00 AM today. HELP. I THINK it's due to teething. Which is possibly the cause of my next complain as well...
3. Layla's runny nose. And cough. And throwing up. And one week of miserable mood beginning at dinner time and lasting until bed time. For no reason. She cries and whines and is not happy. We distract her as best as possible. It sucks.
4. Lack of sleep. Benny eats every 2-3 hours (with one long stretch at the beginning of the night - usually 4 hours). His eating takes a long time. I'm up all night, it feels. He doesn't always sleep well in the rock & play sleeper so I bring him bed. He doesn't sleep well there either, so I sleep less. I'm tired. I forgot what it's like to survive on little to no sleep. I don't do well. Josh has let me get longer stretches of sleep the past couple of nights by keeping Benny downstairs. This is possibly saving my sanity.
5. Messy house. I mean... I have a cleaning lady, every other week, and my house appears as though it's never been cleaning. It's a disaster. Or so it feels. The laundry is constant. The trash piles up. What do people do and how do they keep their house clean?
6. My body. I know... I'm 5 weeks post C-Section but I stare at my body in the mirror and I'm greeted by a vague resemblance of who I used to look like. I hate it. I'm ready to diet and work out and I can only hope I come close to a thinner appearance (mind you.. I used to think I was fat. What an idiot).
7. The winter. I'M OVER IT. The cold. The wind. The snow. I have serious cabin fever. I want to walk outside. I want to play in the warm sun. I want to leave the house without fear of my children catching frost bite. I've researched South Florida real estate because of this, no joke.
8. Missing my friends. I MISS THEM. I miss girls night. Melanie came over this weekend and I was 4 seconds away from asking her to move in. I love my best friend.
9. Mom guilt. One baby cries. Then the other baby cries. And I am alone and have to decide who to help first. And it breaks my heart. I wish I had 10 arms so I could hug everyone and 10 laps so I could hold everyone - but I don't. So I run back and forth in a poor attempt to make everyone happy. And ultimately someone is upset and it's heartbreaking.
10. I miss Josh. We spend all day, everyday together but it's always clouded by a million things going on around us. I'd love to have some time - just us - to talk. And hug. And cuddle.
And now... because I am a huge baby and in the thick of new mom blues...
Some things that are making me happy.
1. The way Layla is always by her brother's side. Loving him. Helping him. Trying to put a hair clip in his hair. Cover him with a blanket. Put a hat on him.
2. The noises Benny makes. They are so sweet, so quiet, like a little kitten purring. I want to record the sounds and listen to them everyday. They literally make me melt.
3. The way Josh tries to make me laugh when I'm in a funk. 10 1/2 years into our relationship and he still makes my heart putter. The roses he got me for valentine's day are gorgeous. I can't wait for our date on Friday.
4. Josh's mom is coming to town on Thursday - it will be a huge relief to have help. And Layla gets so excited when she is here.
5. My mom having the day off tomorrow to just help me. And sit with me. Because nothing is better then my mom.
6. All the yummy food my sister has been cooking lately. And all of our random phone conversations throughout the day.
7. Layla's Purim parade is on Friday and I'm way too excited for something that will probably last about 6 seconds.
8. IT'S ALMOST SPRING!!
9. We go to Florida for a week in a month.. I can't wait for Benjamin to meet his family and see all of our friends.
10. Though I complain this time is hard and I'm tired and feel like I'm doing a horrible job at being a mom... I know these days will forever be the best days of my life. Because the sneak attack hug & kiss from Josh.. and the sweet Benny sounds... and the random HI MAMA from Layla make it ALL. WORTH. WHILE.